pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
