I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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