People in love make me want to vomit
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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