I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
