i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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