HIV tests are more positive than that guy
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
