The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
