When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
