girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
