If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
