i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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