Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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