I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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