I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
