and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
