I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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