I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
