Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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