If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
