Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
