The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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