Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
