A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
