At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
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