Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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