when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
