Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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