he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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