I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
