she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
