Already got asked if we're dating
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
