Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
