When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
