Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
