dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
