Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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