I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
