Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
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sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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