I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
