Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
We need to get me chipped asap
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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