First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
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