who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
