all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
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I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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