i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
