My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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