I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
