Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
