my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
