Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
