I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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