at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
