just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
