I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
