If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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