she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
MIDGETS
????
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
