After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
