That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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