Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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