I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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