I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
