we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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