When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
